Let me be sad for once

I kind of enjoy the fact that when people talk about me, all they're saying are all wrong. It's bittersweet. Bitter, because it hurts; Sweet, well, because you know yourself well enough.

Never in my nearly 20 years of life have I walked in a mall with bloodshot eyes and mostly feeling like shit. It was embarrassing enough to cry like mad, and I was ashamed of myself because I allowed myself to cry.

One thing about me is that, I cry. A lot. I may be perceived as a person who doesn't care or have any feelings, but I honestly do. But all those are constantly being buried as if it never happened. I'm always expected to smile, laugh, being a complete lunatic; and I can't get angry, I can't get stressed, I can't feel sad, I can't cry.

I have, on occasions, nearly stab people in their faces, and there are times I have felt like I'm worthless, thus, suicidal.

It's even sadder when your own "father" says stuffs like "Your worth is nothing. You're useless, stupid, and arrogant. You should die." Yes, I should die. But every time I die, I try to become a phoenix -- become alive again.

They say there are people who are in worse situation than us. That's not assuring at all. Right now, I'm the victim. It's me. I'm the victim of verbal abuse.

Verbal abuse, because it's easier that using all your strength to beat the shit outta me. No proof, no bruises. No one can see you're hurt.

I don't know. Should I be showing that "self" who's being abused? But it's too unbearable to conceal within this heart and mind. It has taken too much, and now it's being worked up.

I try to aim high and do my best, proving all those people that they are wrong about me. This life's a lunacy. They see you succeed, they'll recreate the plot for their own "entertainment".

Sometimes I wish God was being equal with everyone. I know He is, but for now all I'm seeing smiles and slyness of them. I would want to see them cry and on their knees begging for everything to get better.

Also, I don't have a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. I have friends that I can't tell if they're being nice with me for a reason, or they're utterly a bunch of nice people. My family's a wreck. I'm beyond in the shithole. I have no talent in the thing I wanted to do the most: writing. I'm struggling with my own self-identity. I'm broke, however, I love shopping. My ultimate remedy had always been books and K-pop; but now it's different.

I sometimes thought that if we're changed because we're becoming wiser, we could also change because there's nothing can make you feel like you again. We all have been there at some point: the most fun thing we've ever done was "the ultimate happiness". Things happen, we change.

I swear to God, I'm tired already of everything. I'm just 20. I'm not even 20, legitimately. I'm already tired. I'd wish that life wasn't as fast-paced, seconds-ticking-around-the-clock rush. I just wished it had a pause button... or a skip button. I'd click them.

But right now, I'm really, very tired. I wonder if things would get better, or worse. I hope it'll get better.

Till then.