...

How I wish I could put my feelings into words that can be easier to understand. Unfortunately, I couldn't. Every song now has its bits and pieces. Every memory comes out from a black-and-white movie. Every words utter brings me to sadness.

If I could turn back the clock, I would. Make sure that everything fit into place, make sure everyone is happy. Make sure that if it was true, then true it is.

Honestly, I never knew I was capable of being sad when I lose something. I had never been or never feel this dread. I was jovial and I couldn't care less. I thought there was no room for sadness or worry or anxiety. I really didn't know I was capable of love. I never had felt remorseful after doing something. But this time, it is different. It is really, really different.

The very second upon waking up, I pick up my phone with hope. Of course there was none. No hope could be detected. Haha. At first I wished I wouldn't have to wake up anymore. I didn't want to crawl out of bed and I didn't want to feel anything. I wish I never had feelings.

I had to force myself to feel happy and at certain hour, or on certain days, I will make sure everyone is well. It still breaks my heart to do so. I had never cared of anyone, not to this extent. I had troubled my friends, finding out if everyone was okay. All I could say is I'm sorry. I didn't want to trouble anyone. But I couldn't do it anymore.

I'm sorry for breaking my promise, but in reality and without realizing, it was an impossible promise. It was very impossible to keep.

I told myself everyday: things or presence that makes me happy will come to an end one day. I didn't know I was overwhelmed and expecting. Because happiness makes me blind. I thought I was fine at first - indeed I was - but later it came. It washed over me like a tsunami; and now not a moment I don't feel remorseful. I feel sorry.

It is painful. And someone like me who is struggling with self-harm... Haha. The knife is near and I have the urge of grabbing it right now, and start tracing it across my wrist and arm. To type it down, it's too painful too. I wish I can cry. I wish I could spend hours and hours crying, but I can't. I'm not strong, and I never was. I can easily cry, but why not now?

And if I had the chance of turning back the clock and clean this mess or end it, I want to do it.