I have abandoned you, haven't I? I apologise. Thank you for still being here while others aren't.
Going through old published posts and drafts, I am shocked as to how much I've changed. There are changes that are drastic, and others were consistent, like feeling sad and blue and depressed. Oh, and the places that I've been to. Wales was gorgeous.
I wish I had the mood to type down how I'm actually feeling. I don't know where to start, and my brain's muddled with events I want to forget, and feelings that slowed me down, and overthinking (which is a terrible habit).
Maybe one day I will come back and slowly list down and face the music that I've avoided for years. The emotional baggage is heavy, and once I've sorted out my issues with it, we shall see, and hopefully, I'll keep my promise this time.
Till then.
Sunday, November 10, 2019
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Half-a-year recap
How long has it been since I last posted anything here?
First of all, I would not think I would survive anything, or if the "new year new everything" would occur at all, but I guess I was very wrong.
I did not survive anything, if I dare say, because in order to survive, you would have to fight for the thing you deserve. Well I did have my fair share of fights and god, were they very tiring. I fell sick more often than the past four years combined, but were cured within days. There, some victories should be celebrated.
It had been an exhausting half-a-year. I am not sure what exhausted me, but yes I am pretty much exhausted and very much mentally tired.
Speaking of mental health: one thing that I'm very certain of is that my mind, thoughts, and tendencies have worsen over the months. It was worse, really, but it's no different than now either.
I had set some goals earlier this year (ironically made in the middle of January), and I'm yet to achieve it. Like, bloody hell, it's August now, what am I waiting for?
Over the past two years (I surprisingly left the best bits out, wow), I really did thought about who I really am, am I comfortable with the things I have been doing or not, am I comfortable being.. what I would assume is being me, what I really want to do in the future, what I would think is fun and that I will not regret doing and doing.
I promised myself to actually step out of that comfort zone, ignore all those remarks that will only bring me down, but have I successfully fulfilled that promise to myself?
These questions would have not occurred to me a few years back, when I was still in school. There weren't enough support for me to explore questions that are bigger than "have I finished my maths homework?" School wasn't the place for one to embark on a self-discovery journey. It was rather a camp where we were taught only what the education system wants us to fulfill.
Dare I say I've found the answer I wanted and needed? Nope. The horizon looks far, but you won't get an answer just instantaneously with a click of few fingers. It's a life-long journey, I guess?
Anyway, I'm turning 21 in a few month. God. It's 2016 and we still don't have immunity potion?
First of all, I would not think I would survive anything, or if the "new year new everything" would occur at all, but I guess I was very wrong.
I did not survive anything, if I dare say, because in order to survive, you would have to fight for the thing you deserve. Well I did have my fair share of fights and god, were they very tiring. I fell sick more often than the past four years combined, but were cured within days. There, some victories should be celebrated.
It had been an exhausting half-a-year. I am not sure what exhausted me, but yes I am pretty much exhausted and very much mentally tired.
Speaking of mental health: one thing that I'm very certain of is that my mind, thoughts, and tendencies have worsen over the months. It was worse, really, but it's no different than now either.
I had set some goals earlier this year (ironically made in the middle of January), and I'm yet to achieve it. Like, bloody hell, it's August now, what am I waiting for?
Over the past two years (I surprisingly left the best bits out, wow), I really did thought about who I really am, am I comfortable with the things I have been doing or not, am I comfortable being.. what I would assume is being me, what I really want to do in the future, what I would think is fun and that I will not regret doing and doing.
I promised myself to actually step out of that comfort zone, ignore all those remarks that will only bring me down, but have I successfully fulfilled that promise to myself?
These questions would have not occurred to me a few years back, when I was still in school. There weren't enough support for me to explore questions that are bigger than "have I finished my maths homework?" School wasn't the place for one to embark on a self-discovery journey. It was rather a camp where we were taught only what the education system wants us to fulfill.
Dare I say I've found the answer I wanted and needed? Nope. The horizon looks far, but you won't get an answer just instantaneously with a click of few fingers. It's a life-long journey, I guess?
Anyway, I'm turning 21 in a few month. God. It's 2016 and we still don't have immunity potion?
Saturday, December 26, 2015
2016 is a new year
I've been trying to type down long-ass heart-pour aka whatever I've wanted to say out loud but failed. There are drafts, but I couldn't type. All I did was I grit my teeth and closed the tab.
Before that happens again, let me convince myself that this will be brief.
2015 is tad bit better than 2014, and hopefully, 2016 would be better than both these years -- combined.
Never have I walked in a mall with bloodshot eyes. Wonder not because that happened.
Just like last year, I've been contemplating with what I wanted to do with my life. I don't know how to take charge of my own decisions, but along the lines of writing/production. (I guess some thing never change...)
Lost some friends, got some friends... I'm still okay.
2015 is the year that all symptoms of depression applies, and when I opened my options to see a therapist, I was shut down. OH WELL.
I'm still surprised I'm able to smile and laugh. Crying, however, only happen when I'm fucked over... and probably when I'm watching shows.
I've learned and yet to come to terms with who I am, what I can do, what I want to do, and how I want to shape myself to become. 'Learning' took me twenty years, and probably forever.
Still nocturnal, apparently. Hah.
Also, 2016 would still be the year I'm lying to myself about "exercising", "dieting", "do something productive", and "find a new hobby". I'm predicting. (Alas, some things WILL NEVER change.)
Till then.
Before that happens again, let me convince myself that this will be brief.
2015 is tad bit better than 2014, and hopefully, 2016 would be better than both these years -- combined.
Never have I walked in a mall with bloodshot eyes. Wonder not because that happened.
Just like last year, I've been contemplating with what I wanted to do with my life. I don't know how to take charge of my own decisions, but along the lines of writing/production. (I guess some thing never change...)
Lost some friends, got some friends... I'm still okay.
2015 is the year that all symptoms of depression applies, and when I opened my options to see a therapist, I was shut down. OH WELL.
I'm still surprised I'm able to smile and laugh. Crying, however, only happen when I'm fucked over... and probably when I'm watching shows.
I've learned and yet to come to terms with who I am, what I can do, what I want to do, and how I want to shape myself to become. 'Learning' took me twenty years, and probably forever.
Still nocturnal, apparently. Hah.
Also, 2016 would still be the year I'm lying to myself about "exercising", "dieting", "do something productive", and "find a new hobby". I'm predicting. (Alas, some things WILL NEVER change.)
Till then.
Saturday, September 12, 2015
"Those Questions"
Disclaimer: This reflects my own opinions, and nobody else. No one endorsed me to butcher any limbs, but I allowed myself to talk logic and of abstract things that, to some minds, are incomprehensible (one way or the other... or both ways, or lost of direction). Prepare for grammar errors because for some reasons, I'm fumed and I give no splat of batshit to care.
Hello!
So, I had this idea of posting this here where no one reads this kind of posts, and should any problem arise I'd run from it easily. This post will be filled with political correctness and of being Malaysians who are kaypoh (busybodies) and even more kaypoh (even more busybodies). I can't tolerate this kind of things anymore, because it's 2015: nobody should have cared about anyone else. They're starting to anger me, but yeah, I can't show my anger to strangers. But that's just me, and the followings would be my laments.
1. Are you Chinese or Malay?
Mom and I get this kind of questions often. For me, it was something I would gush over, but now, it's more of a burden that I'd have "announce" my race. I'm not the only one who's blessed with this look, and one of the people who'd get these questions is my mom. Probably a little to often, if we'd consider her job that has to talk to people. I get it: We look Chinese, but we don't sound Chinese.
That's racism already, right there, and that's just in your thoughts.
What concerns me right now is the growing of racism in this country. Nobody wants to become a target over something petty and have been stereotyped, like race and religion. It's not your choice to be Malay, Chinese, or Indian. Even if I look different than others of my race, people would start going back to the dawn of time, to the root of it... which isn't much of an enjoyable question to answer.
But you look Chinese? (I'm pretty sure I'm not?)
Are you mixed? (Where your parents are of different racial and cultural background gets married and have sex and then your mom conceives you, and those are in your DNAs.) (But no, I'm not. At least not Chinese.)
Is your Mom or Dad is a Chinese convert? (Really? Seriously?)
Are your ancestors Chinese? (No, I chose this face before I was born because I thought I'd look cute.)
You see? There's another set of problem that I don't even know where to begin because I have no idea. I do know that on my mom's side, they're Javanese; and my dad's ancestors are from the Middle East and India. Do I look like any of these? Did I REALLY CHOSE to have this look over the other? Exactly: no, I did not choose anything. Plus, my parents and my brothers' and my face are really different from one another. Are we adopted? The last time I checked, no we weren't.
Look, if I ever confuse you, just look at me. I look local. Locals speak English (if not the best English we could speak). Other races can speak Malay which is the lingua franca of this humid country. I speak both languages, by the way, and Malay being my first language and English being the second. My race shouldn't bother you, and you should not pester me with follow-up questions. It's 2015 and we shouldn't be backwards!
2. How's your results? (Relatives' edition.)
As you know, I'm very competitive when it comes to what I do and how I do it. I've entered competitions a couple million times than my brothers and cousins did, combined. For me, school's a necessary evil and imagine Route 66 with terrible, bumpy road with speed traps. If that didn't give you the best clear picture of how school was for me, then I don't know how else I should explain it. But, see, if that's how terrible school was for me, and I'm doing my best to get the best of it. I don't plant something and never let it ripe or bloom (metaphorically speaking, because I hate gardening). I have tasted failure more than any geniuses seeing 99% on their exam papers and those scoundrels who have readied themselves for failure from my class and below.
And this question bugs me. All the fucking time.
I'm not a Science student or someone who has a Mensa membership, but to be honest, my results are always way better than most of my dad's cousins who are just a little older than I am (and one who's a few years younger than me).
Why does this always bother me, you ask?
Because I studied my ass off like I was in a 100m sprint, went for CS practices and would not come back until four to six, joined competitions, became an introvert in class, and gained my very own independence with those "very stellar" A's I have, and have not stayed under my parents' roof ever since I was 18 (technically, I found shelter which is my grandma's home... and my parents have to feed me because they don't allow me to work). I went for foundation for a damn year with my own results that I never tempered it with a million A's, and with that, I'm currently in degree. My dad verbal abuse me on daily, and telling me that I'm not going far in life if I keep up with sleeping after I get back from school. I never have a pause in life, except during post-SPM and post-foundation (ALSO SLEEP!)
All by my own sweat and tears and struggles and depression, thanks. And I don't need to talk to you about it. Also, if football you're bragging about, you're not a part of a National Champion team, right? Then, shut the Hell up, will you?
3. What university are you attending? (Same edition as the previous one.)
Question one: WHAT DO YOU FUCKING CARE?!
Question two: ARE YOU PAYING MY STUDENT LOAN?
Question three: WHERE DID YOU ENROLL YOUR KIDS TO? OXFORD? STANFORD? PRINCETON?
Question four: On scale 0-to-0, how possible would you not celebrate my hard work and lust for learning?
4. What's your major? (Everybody's-fucking-business edition/Peers' edition)
This is one of the reason why I don't believe in humanity. Few days ago, I saw a tweet from an Engineer community that seriously compares the so-called "future engineers" aka the BS students and "the future of media" BA students. I can't believe that that kind of tweet would happened in a million years.
Right: so your father or mother could be a doctor, your siblings could be a pilot, and are you sure you can really be an engineer while looking down at people with that manner you have? Are you absolutely sure you can? I'm sure any homeless man has better insights than you.
Second, why I hate it when this question is brought up is because this "I'm better than you" mentality would appear. Let the nature disapprove my being but the universe respects my opinions: those people have shouldn't have opinions. Those people shouldn't live. Like, are you sure you're better than BA students? Are you sure that that 100% on your paper reflects you as a human being with humility? Nope, I don't think these people are humble.
Sure, your major could take your places: across borders, across continents, across seas. Are you really going to live with tip-top education but with no sense of respect for others who would surround you, and who are likely to be "less smart" than you are? That thing should have come with logic, and logic is one of the key to your line of study. There's nothing abstract about this. So don't be a pussy ass bitch and ask people about their major if you can't sit through an Othello play.
Also, fuck you and till then.
Disclaimer 2: I've never sat through an Othello play. But I'd love to, some day.
Disclaimer 3: Damn, people must have ticked me off all the time for me to be fucking angry...
Hello!
So, I had this idea of posting this here where no one reads this kind of posts, and should any problem arise I'd run from it easily. This post will be filled with political correctness and of being Malaysians who are kaypoh (busybodies) and even more kaypoh (even more busybodies). I can't tolerate this kind of things anymore, because it's 2015: nobody should have cared about anyone else. They're starting to anger me, but yeah, I can't show my anger to strangers. But that's just me, and the followings would be my laments.
1. Are you Chinese or Malay?
Mom and I get this kind of questions often. For me, it was something I would gush over, but now, it's more of a burden that I'd have "announce" my race. I'm not the only one who's blessed with this look, and one of the people who'd get these questions is my mom. Probably a little to often, if we'd consider her job that has to talk to people. I get it: We look Chinese, but we don't sound Chinese.
That's racism already, right there, and that's just in your thoughts.
What concerns me right now is the growing of racism in this country. Nobody wants to become a target over something petty and have been stereotyped, like race and religion. It's not your choice to be Malay, Chinese, or Indian. Even if I look different than others of my race, people would start going back to the dawn of time, to the root of it... which isn't much of an enjoyable question to answer.
But you look Chinese? (I'm pretty sure I'm not?)
Are you mixed? (Where your parents are of different racial and cultural background gets married and have sex and then your mom conceives you, and those are in your DNAs.) (But no, I'm not. At least not Chinese.)
Is your Mom or Dad is a Chinese convert? (Really? Seriously?)
Are your ancestors Chinese? (No, I chose this face before I was born because I thought I'd look cute.)
You see? There's another set of problem that I don't even know where to begin because I have no idea. I do know that on my mom's side, they're Javanese; and my dad's ancestors are from the Middle East and India. Do I look like any of these? Did I REALLY CHOSE to have this look over the other? Exactly: no, I did not choose anything. Plus, my parents and my brothers' and my face are really different from one another. Are we adopted? The last time I checked, no we weren't.
Look, if I ever confuse you, just look at me. I look local. Locals speak English (if not the best English we could speak). Other races can speak Malay which is the lingua franca of this humid country. I speak both languages, by the way, and Malay being my first language and English being the second. My race shouldn't bother you, and you should not pester me with follow-up questions. It's 2015 and we shouldn't be backwards!
2. How's your results? (Relatives' edition.)
As you know, I'm very competitive when it comes to what I do and how I do it. I've entered competitions a couple million times than my brothers and cousins did, combined. For me, school's a necessary evil and imagine Route 66 with terrible, bumpy road with speed traps. If that didn't give you the best clear picture of how school was for me, then I don't know how else I should explain it. But, see, if that's how terrible school was for me, and I'm doing my best to get the best of it. I don't plant something and never let it ripe or bloom (metaphorically speaking, because I hate gardening). I have tasted failure more than any geniuses seeing 99% on their exam papers and those scoundrels who have readied themselves for failure from my class and below.
And this question bugs me. All the fucking time.
I'm not a Science student or someone who has a Mensa membership, but to be honest, my results are always way better than most of my dad's cousins who are just a little older than I am (and one who's a few years younger than me).
Why does this always bother me, you ask?
Because I studied my ass off like I was in a 100m sprint, went for CS practices and would not come back until four to six, joined competitions, became an introvert in class, and gained my very own independence with those "very stellar" A's I have, and have not stayed under my parents' roof ever since I was 18 (technically, I found shelter which is my grandma's home... and my parents have to feed me because they don't allow me to work). I went for foundation for a damn year with my own results that I never tempered it with a million A's, and with that, I'm currently in degree. My dad verbal abuse me on daily, and telling me that I'm not going far in life if I keep up with sleeping after I get back from school. I never have a pause in life, except during post-SPM and post-foundation (ALSO SLEEP!)
All by my own sweat and tears and struggles and depression, thanks. And I don't need to talk to you about it. Also, if football you're bragging about, you're not a part of a National Champion team, right? Then, shut the Hell up, will you?
3. What university are you attending? (Same edition as the previous one.)
Question one: WHAT DO YOU FUCKING CARE?!
Question two: ARE YOU PAYING MY STUDENT LOAN?
Question three: WHERE DID YOU ENROLL YOUR KIDS TO? OXFORD? STANFORD? PRINCETON?
Question four: On scale 0-to-0, how possible would you not celebrate my hard work and lust for learning?
4. What's your major? (Everybody's-fucking-business edition/Peers' edition)
This is one of the reason why I don't believe in humanity. Few days ago, I saw a tweet from an Engineer community that seriously compares the so-called "future engineers" aka the BS students and "the future of media" BA students. I can't believe that that kind of tweet would happened in a million years.
Right: so your father or mother could be a doctor, your siblings could be a pilot, and are you sure you can really be an engineer while looking down at people with that manner you have? Are you absolutely sure you can? I'm sure any homeless man has better insights than you.
Second, why I hate it when this question is brought up is because this "I'm better than you" mentality would appear. Let the nature disapprove my being but the universe respects my opinions: those people have shouldn't have opinions. Those people shouldn't live. Like, are you sure you're better than BA students? Are you sure that that 100% on your paper reflects you as a human being with humility? Nope, I don't think these people are humble.
Sure, your major could take your places: across borders, across continents, across seas. Are you really going to live with tip-top education but with no sense of respect for others who would surround you, and who are likely to be "less smart" than you are? That thing should have come with logic, and logic is one of the key to your line of study. There's nothing abstract about this. So don't be a pussy ass bitch and ask people about their major if you can't sit through an Othello play.
Also, fuck you and till then.
Disclaimer 2: I've never sat through an Othello play. But I'd love to, some day.
Disclaimer 3: Damn, people must have ticked me off all the time for me to be fucking angry...
Friday, September 11, 2015
Another "this kind" of post
1. A selfie?
No?
2. How old are you?
20 (as of 2015)
3. What is your birthday?
"What"? My birthday means nothing
4. What is your zodiac sign?
Libra
5. What is your favorite color?
Black, blue and white
6. What's your lucky number?
I don't have a lucky number, but I'd like to say it's 13.
7. Do you have any pets?
No
8. Where are you from?
Kuala Lumpur
9. How tall are you?
160-3cm
10. What shoe size are you?
40 (if we're buying from H&M)
11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
I don't count, I have quite a number, but I only wear 2
12. What was your last dream about?
Didn't dream :/
13. What talents do you have?
I really don't know. I'm so ordinary
14. Are you psychic in any way?
Sometimes
15. Favorite song?
Currently: Hwanhee - Heartbreaking, Holy Child - Happy With Me, Zella Day - East of Eden, Halsey - Ghost, Oh Wonder - Body Gold
16. Favorite movie?
This year: Kingsman and Spy
17. Who would be your ideal partner?
Someone who dresses so smart their lapel cuts... really slick 1950s/60s back-combed hair, who are actually really smart, read books, open-minded, and concerns about gender equality
18. Do you want children?
No
19. Do you want a church wedding?
No
20. Are you religious?
Not really. I try to be religious, sometimes
21. Have you ever been to the hospital?
Yes
22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?
No
23. Have you ever met any celebrities?
I've seen a lot of them
24. Baths or showers?
Baths
25. What color socks are you wearing?
I'm not wearing any right now
26. Have you ever been famous?
No
27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?
Yes
28. What type of music do you like?
I LOVE electronic, chill, hip-hop, indie
29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?
No?
2. How old are you?
20 (as of 2015)
3. What is your birthday?
"What"? My birthday means nothing
4. What is your zodiac sign?
Libra
5. What is your favorite color?
Black, blue and white
6. What's your lucky number?
I don't have a lucky number, but I'd like to say it's 13.
7. Do you have any pets?
No
8. Where are you from?
Kuala Lumpur
9. How tall are you?
160-3cm
10. What shoe size are you?
40 (if we're buying from H&M)
11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
I don't count, I have quite a number, but I only wear 2
12. What was your last dream about?
Didn't dream :/
13. What talents do you have?
I really don't know. I'm so ordinary
14. Are you psychic in any way?
Sometimes
15. Favorite song?
Currently: Hwanhee - Heartbreaking, Holy Child - Happy With Me, Zella Day - East of Eden, Halsey - Ghost, Oh Wonder - Body Gold
16. Favorite movie?
This year: Kingsman and Spy
17. Who would be your ideal partner?
Someone who dresses so smart their lapel cuts... really slick 1950s/60s back-combed hair, who are actually really smart, read books, open-minded, and concerns about gender equality
18. Do you want children?
No
19. Do you want a church wedding?
No
20. Are you religious?
Not really. I try to be religious, sometimes
21. Have you ever been to the hospital?
Yes
22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?
No
23. Have you ever met any celebrities?
I've seen a lot of them
24. Baths or showers?
Baths
25. What color socks are you wearing?
I'm not wearing any right now
26. Have you ever been famous?
No
27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?
Yes
28. What type of music do you like?
I LOVE electronic, chill, hip-hop, indie
29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?
whAT?
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
Three or four
31. What position do you usually sleep in?
I just lie to my sides
32. How big is your house?
Which house?
33. What do you typically have for breakfast?
Bread
34. Have you ever fired a gun?
No, and I wouldn't want to
35. Have you ever tried archery?
No. I have bad eyesight
36. Favorite clean word(s)?
Travesty or Wanderlust
37. Favorite swear word(s)?
Fuck and Bloody
38. What's the longest you've ever gone without sleep?
A couple of days and nights
39. Do you have any scars?
Because of my bloody eczema, then yes
40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
I guess so? My ex should have been one
41. Are you a good liar?
I can lie. Good; not sure
42. Are you a good judge of character?
Probably
43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?
Eight. Malay northern accent, Indian and Chinese sounds when they're speaking in English and Malay, Scottish-ish, BBC (or RP), Valley Girl (gosh, is this a thing?!), and Australian (G'day, mate!)
44. Do you have a strong accent?
If I was speaking the Malay northern accent, yeah
45. What is your favorite accent?
RP, goddamn it!
46. What is your personality type?
INFP
47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?
As of now, it's that RM250 blouse from Dorothy Perkins, but I may have had something that's way expensive than that when I was younger
48. Can you curl your tongue?
Nope
49. Are you an innie or an outie?
Indoor-sy person, you mean?
50. Left or right handed?
Right, but I write with my left hand interchangeably
51. Are you scared of spiders?
Duh
52. Favorite food?
Noodles and porridge
53. Favorite foreign food?
Sushi
54. Are you a clean or messy person?
I'm a good mix of both (mostly messy because I can't find stuffs when it's )
55. Most used phrased?
What the fuck?!
56. Most used word?
Like...
57. How long does it take for you to get ready?
20 to 40 minutes
58. Do you have much of an ego?
Yes, I do
59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?
The first option
60. Do you talk to yourself?
I do
61. Do you sing to yourself?
Of course I do!
62. Are you a good singer?
I'd like to think that I'm
63. Biggest Fear?
OF ANIMALS
64. Are you a gossip?
Unfortunately...
65. Best dramatic movie you've seen?
I'd like to think Pulp Fiction is, because it is
66. Do you like long or short hair?
Shorter, on myself
67. Can you name all 50 states of America?
California, Idaho, Washington, North Dakota, South Dakota, Texas, Mississippi... i know more, but God, this is sudden!!
68. Favorite school subject?
English, and sleep
69. Extrovert or Introvert?
There's an in-between that I can't recall
70. Have you ever been scuba diving?
Nope
71. What makes you nervous?
EVERYTHING
72. Are you scared of the dark?
Yes, but not when I'm alone
73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?
That's a bad habit, but yeah
74. Are you ticklish?
I could be
75. Have you ever started a rumor?
I did
76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?
Define authority
77. Have you ever drank underage?
I don't drink... maybe once, accidentally
78. Have you ever done drugs?
Not there yet
79. Who was your first real crush?
Someone-who-can't-be-named
80. How many piercings do you have?
If holes, then there are six.
81. Can you roll your Rs?"
Define "rolling my R's"
82. How fast can you type?
Pretty fast, pretty slow. That depends if I know what I want to type or not
83. How fast can you run?
Fast.... then slow, as usual
84. What color is your hair?
Black
85. What color is your eyes?
Dark
86. What are you allergic to?
THIS I'M STARTING TO HAVE NO IDEA
87. Do you keep a journal?
Yes
88. What do your parents do?
Stuffs that gets them paid
89. Do you like your age?
Sure. I like the word "hatachi"
90. What makes you angry?
EVERYTHING
91. Do you like your own name?
Not my real name
92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?
My baby is called Baby, and my phone's called Matilda
93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?
I don't want any
94. What are you strengths?
I guess I'm a workaholic?
95. What are your weaknesses?
I get unsatisfied if things aren't going my way, which is, at at least 74%, is the right way
96. How did you get your name?
No idea
97. Were your ancestors royalty?
Yeah
98. Do you have any scars?
I did answer this earlier, didn't I?
99. Color of your bedspread?
They're happy colours, and I hate them
100. Color of your room?
Pretty white and bare, yeah
I just lie to my sides
32. How big is your house?
Which house?
33. What do you typically have for breakfast?
Bread
34. Have you ever fired a gun?
No, and I wouldn't want to
35. Have you ever tried archery?
No. I have bad eyesight
36. Favorite clean word(s)?
Travesty or Wanderlust
37. Favorite swear word(s)?
Fuck and Bloody
38. What's the longest you've ever gone without sleep?
A couple of days and nights
39. Do you have any scars?
Because of my bloody eczema, then yes
40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
I guess so? My ex should have been one
41. Are you a good liar?
I can lie. Good; not sure
42. Are you a good judge of character?
Probably
43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?
Eight. Malay northern accent, Indian and Chinese sounds when they're speaking in English and Malay, Scottish-ish, BBC (or RP), Valley Girl (gosh, is this a thing?!), and Australian (G'day, mate!)
44. Do you have a strong accent?
If I was speaking the Malay northern accent, yeah
45. What is your favorite accent?
RP, goddamn it!
46. What is your personality type?
INFP
47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?
As of now, it's that RM250 blouse from Dorothy Perkins, but I may have had something that's way expensive than that when I was younger
48. Can you curl your tongue?
Nope
49. Are you an innie or an outie?
Indoor-sy person, you mean?
50. Left or right handed?
Right, but I write with my left hand interchangeably
51. Are you scared of spiders?
Duh
52. Favorite food?
Noodles and porridge
53. Favorite foreign food?
Sushi
54. Are you a clean or messy person?
I'm a good mix of both (mostly messy because I can't find stuffs when it's )
55. Most used phrased?
What the fuck?!
56. Most used word?
Like...
57. How long does it take for you to get ready?
20 to 40 minutes
58. Do you have much of an ego?
Yes, I do
59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?
The first option
60. Do you talk to yourself?
I do
61. Do you sing to yourself?
Of course I do!
62. Are you a good singer?
I'd like to think that I'm
63. Biggest Fear?
OF ANIMALS
64. Are you a gossip?
Unfortunately...
65. Best dramatic movie you've seen?
I'd like to think Pulp Fiction is, because it is
66. Do you like long or short hair?
Shorter, on myself
67. Can you name all 50 states of America?
California, Idaho, Washington, North Dakota, South Dakota, Texas, Mississippi... i know more, but God, this is sudden!!
68. Favorite school subject?
English, and sleep
69. Extrovert or Introvert?
There's an in-between that I can't recall
70. Have you ever been scuba diving?
Nope
71. What makes you nervous?
EVERYTHING
72. Are you scared of the dark?
Yes, but not when I'm alone
73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?
That's a bad habit, but yeah
74. Are you ticklish?
I could be
75. Have you ever started a rumor?
I did
76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?
Define authority
77. Have you ever drank underage?
I don't drink... maybe once, accidentally
78. Have you ever done drugs?
Not there yet
79. Who was your first real crush?
Someone-who-can't-be-named
80. How many piercings do you have?
If holes, then there are six.
81. Can you roll your Rs?"
Define "rolling my R's"
82. How fast can you type?
Pretty fast, pretty slow. That depends if I know what I want to type or not
83. How fast can you run?
Fast.... then slow, as usual
84. What color is your hair?
Black
85. What color is your eyes?
Dark
86. What are you allergic to?
THIS I'M STARTING TO HAVE NO IDEA
87. Do you keep a journal?
Yes
88. What do your parents do?
Stuffs that gets them paid
89. Do you like your age?
Sure. I like the word "hatachi"
90. What makes you angry?
EVERYTHING
91. Do you like your own name?
Not my real name
92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?
My baby is called Baby, and my phone's called Matilda
93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?
I don't want any
94. What are you strengths?
I guess I'm a workaholic?
95. What are your weaknesses?
I get unsatisfied if things aren't going my way, which is, at at least 74%, is the right way
96. How did you get your name?
No idea
97. Were your ancestors royalty?
Yeah
98. Do you have any scars?
I did answer this earlier, didn't I?
99. Color of your bedspread?
They're happy colours, and I hate them
100. Color of your room?
Pretty white and bare, yeah
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Me.
__________________________________________________
01:tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now?
02:what on your body is hurting or bothering you?i like no one right now, really
03:what was your last thought before going to bed last night?everything... eczema
04:what are you listening to?i was trying to think of a plot for stories... i've been doing this since eons ago.
05:what’s something you’re not looking forward to?say my name - destiny's child
06:where do you think your best friend is right now?finals
07:have you kissed anybody in the last five days?at home, with their families
08:favorite song ?no
09:kiss on the first date?shine - years & years
10:is there one person you want to be with right now?nope never
11:are you seriously happy with where you are in life?idk. no one
12:is there something you would like to say to someone?no
13:what are three things you did today?i still love them
14:would you rather sleep at a friend’s or have them over?did notes, watch sense8, laughed
15:what is your favorite kind of gum?i wanna stay in my bed alone
16:are you friends with any of your ex boyfriends/ girlfriends?always mint
17:what is on your wrists right now?no
18:ever liked someone you thought you didn’t stand a chance with?two bracelets
19:does anyone have strong feelings for you?yes
20:are you slowly drifting away from someone?oh animosity? yeah
21:have you ever wasted your time on someone?everyone.... and things i used to like
22:can you do the alphabet in sign language?for two months
23:how have you felt today?i thought i know but no
24:you receive £60 without any reason, what do you spend it on?feels like im in a rush
25:what is wrong with you right now?i dont recall
26:is there anyone you’re really disappointed in?uncertainties
27:would you rather have starbucks or jamba juice right now?yes
28:why aren’t you in ‘love’ with your last ex anymore?cbtl actually
29:how late did you stay up last night and why?we're of different orientation (im bi and he's gay; dont ask why), and that doesn't really bother me, but he's a dickhead
30:when was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?nearly. 6am, because i was doing my notes
earlier today31:what were you doing an hour ago?
i was watching abnormal summit32:what are you looking forward to in the next month?
definitely not the short semester33:are you wearing jeans right now?
nope34:are you a patient person?
35:do you think you can last in a relationship for three months?
not always
it could have, but i was glad it didn't last36:favorite color?
blue. but nowadays it's black, or white37:did you have a dream last night?
no, but i wish i was dreaming about the plot of a story i wrote or a story i'm about to write38:are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?
short pjs39:if someone could be cuddling you right now, who would you want it to be?
lee jonghyun of cn blue. im his trash40:do you love anyone who is not related to you?
lol who doesn't *points at korea* they're there41:if someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
it would be nice, for once, to feel that you're liked42:do you like meeting new people?
of the same favourites and hobbies, yes43:are you afraid of falling in love?
honestly, yes. i've always been44:ever self-harmed or starved yourself?
yes45:has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
no, never.46:have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough?
everyday, even right now at this moment
Let me be sad for once
I kind of enjoy the fact that when people talk about me, all they're saying are all wrong. It's bittersweet. Bitter, because it hurts; Sweet, well, because you know yourself well enough.
Never in my nearly 20 years of life have I walked in a mall with bloodshot eyes and mostly feeling like shit. It was embarrassing enough to cry like mad, and I was ashamed of myself because I allowed myself to cry.
One thing about me is that, I cry. A lot. I may be perceived as a person who doesn't care or have any feelings, but I honestly do. But all those are constantly being buried as if it never happened. I'm always expected to smile, laugh, being a complete lunatic; and I can't get angry, I can't get stressed, I can't feel sad, I can't cry.
I have, on occasions, nearly stab people in their faces, and there are times I have felt like I'm worthless, thus, suicidal.
It's even sadder when your own "father" says stuffs like "Your worth is nothing. You're useless, stupid, and arrogant. You should die." Yes, I should die. But every time I die, I try to become a phoenix -- become alive again.
They say there are people who are in worse situation than us. That's not assuring at all. Right now, I'm the victim. It's me. I'm the victim of verbal abuse.
Verbal abuse, because it's easier that using all your strength to beat the shit outta me. No proof, no bruises. No one can see you're hurt.
I don't know. Should I be showing that "self" who's being abused? But it's too unbearable to conceal within this heart and mind. It has taken too much, and now it's being worked up.
I try to aim high and do my best, proving all those people that they are wrong about me. This life's a lunacy. They see you succeed, they'll recreate the plot for their own "entertainment".
Sometimes I wish God was being equal with everyone. I know He is, but for now all I'm seeing smiles and slyness of them. I would want to see them cry and on their knees begging for everything to get better.
Also, I don't have a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. I have friends that I can't tell if they're being nice with me for a reason, or they're utterly a bunch of nice people. My family's a wreck. I'm beyond in the shithole. I have no talent in the thing I wanted to do the most: writing. I'm struggling with my own self-identity. I'm broke, however, I love shopping. My ultimate remedy had always been books and K-pop; but now it's different.
I sometimes thought that if we're changed because we're becoming wiser, we could also change because there's nothing can make you feel like you again. We all have been there at some point: the most fun thing we've ever done was "the ultimate happiness". Things happen, we change.
I swear to God, I'm tired already of everything. I'm just 20. I'm not even 20, legitimately. I'm already tired. I'd wish that life wasn't as fast-paced, seconds-ticking-around-the-clock rush. I just wished it had a pause button... or a skip button. I'd click them.
But right now, I'm really, very tired. I wonder if things would get better, or worse. I hope it'll get better.
Till then.
Never in my nearly 20 years of life have I walked in a mall with bloodshot eyes and mostly feeling like shit. It was embarrassing enough to cry like mad, and I was ashamed of myself because I allowed myself to cry.
One thing about me is that, I cry. A lot. I may be perceived as a person who doesn't care or have any feelings, but I honestly do. But all those are constantly being buried as if it never happened. I'm always expected to smile, laugh, being a complete lunatic; and I can't get angry, I can't get stressed, I can't feel sad, I can't cry.
I have, on occasions, nearly stab people in their faces, and there are times I have felt like I'm worthless, thus, suicidal.
It's even sadder when your own "father" says stuffs like "Your worth is nothing. You're useless, stupid, and arrogant. You should die." Yes, I should die. But every time I die, I try to become a phoenix -- become alive again.
They say there are people who are in worse situation than us. That's not assuring at all. Right now, I'm the victim. It's me. I'm the victim of verbal abuse.
Verbal abuse, because it's easier that using all your strength to beat the shit outta me. No proof, no bruises. No one can see you're hurt.
I don't know. Should I be showing that "self" who's being abused? But it's too unbearable to conceal within this heart and mind. It has taken too much, and now it's being worked up.
I try to aim high and do my best, proving all those people that they are wrong about me. This life's a lunacy. They see you succeed, they'll recreate the plot for their own "entertainment".
Sometimes I wish God was being equal with everyone. I know He is, but for now all I'm seeing smiles and slyness of them. I would want to see them cry and on their knees begging for everything to get better.
Also, I don't have a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. I have friends that I can't tell if they're being nice with me for a reason, or they're utterly a bunch of nice people. My family's a wreck. I'm beyond in the shithole. I have no talent in the thing I wanted to do the most: writing. I'm struggling with my own self-identity. I'm broke, however, I love shopping. My ultimate remedy had always been books and K-pop; but now it's different.
I sometimes thought that if we're changed because we're becoming wiser, we could also change because there's nothing can make you feel like you again. We all have been there at some point: the most fun thing we've ever done was "the ultimate happiness". Things happen, we change.
I swear to God, I'm tired already of everything. I'm just 20. I'm not even 20, legitimately. I'm already tired. I'd wish that life wasn't as fast-paced, seconds-ticking-around-the-clock rush. I just wished it had a pause button... or a skip button. I'd click them.
But right now, I'm really, very tired. I wonder if things would get better, or worse. I hope it'll get better.
Till then.
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